Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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