I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Help. Why am I so naked?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
