singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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