Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
