when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
