I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
