Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
