You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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