dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
