no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have tasted many bathrooms
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize