I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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