my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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