fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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