I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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