if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
