i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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