I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
