i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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