he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I didn't notice because vodka
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
