What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
