Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
