i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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