just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
