if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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