If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You took a bar mat shot.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
