I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
