her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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