Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
