Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
