for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize