me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
