I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
