i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
