I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
