He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
