I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she peed on how many people?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
