My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize