If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
