I wish I could punch you in the face.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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