Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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