this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
