We need to rekindle our bromance
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
