She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
