dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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