Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
