my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize