I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
