What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
