Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
