You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
