so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
