it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
this boner is exhausting
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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