meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
