Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
