I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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