My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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