My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
