Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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