I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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