You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
