ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
