does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
a search helicopter?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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