i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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